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12:20 pm: Men cheat because girls don't like sex and aren't sexy enough.
Leigh turned my inexhaustible rage to this video on CosmoTV, by way of femisting, of course:
WARNING: This show features gross generalizations from an idiot who has no idea why the guys in her life keeping having sex with women who aren't her. Does she have a degree? Probably not. She's just an editor in chief for Cosmo, which is little more than advertising tarted up with annoying quips and some slick design. From the sound of it, she doesn't even have sex. By no means is this woman an authority on anything but editing a tarted up advertising rag, but she's being interviewed by another woman, so the unsuspecting public automatically assumes, oh, this must be some kind of psychologist or marriage counselor. Why do men cheat? Truth is, she has no f-ing idea.

That would make even Carrie Bradshaw throw up on her Manolo Blahniks.

This little show is filled with so much condescending stereotyping that it's a disservice not just to women, but to men as well! I would go so far as to say that Kate, the woman being interviewed, hates men far more than even the most zealous feminist ever could. She certainly doesn't give the opposite sex much credit by painting them as little more than drooling apes who must be forced to wear chastity belts because, hyuk, there's just no helping them! Gosh and golly, the poor things are unable to think with anything but their penis and can't be expected to make decisions or practice self-control. The little dears! Is it me, or does that sound a little like how men regarded women back in the Good Ole Days? Poor little dears can't be trusted with money or responsibility!

When I hear men talking about women like we're irrational creatures that think of nothing but shopping, I get pissed. When I hear women talking about men like they're irrational creatures who think of nothing but sex, I get pissed. I'm a woman, and I think about sex. A lot. Even now that I have a mate who can regularly help me with that, I still think about it. By Kate's description, because I can't stop thinking about sex, I should be running around screwing lots of guys because one just isn't enough. She completely disregards the emotional and psychological reasons people cheat--or can't cheat.

Let's break it down! (Queue the 90's rap intro.)

It seems like men are hardwired to cheat.
What? Why would anyone say that? Does every man cheat? No. What about women? We're the ones who can have orgasm after orgasm. Aren't we hardwired to cheat, too?

Well, of course women cheat to sometimes, I'm sure.
Let's just blow right past the (probably equally) large number of women who fool around on men. I mean, they're just sluts. They're not like you and me. They totally would stab their own kind in the back. Not like this whole video isn't doing that already by blaming you for the emotional and sexual shortcomings of your mate choice. Pfft, silly!

Men aren't as discriminating.
Seriously, anyone who can decorate an entire house in brown must have horrible taste in everything. And face it, every time a guy cheats, it's always with someone far inferior to our awesome-ness.

They get restless.
Oh, like girls don't get restless. Normal people, when they get restless in a relationship, don't run out and ruin it by having sex with someone not their partner because that tends to end the relationship. I'm not a psychologist, but I'd be willing to go so far as to say that when a man cheats, it may be his cowardly way of trying to end a relationship without actually having to say the words, "I don't love you anymore." It's a glorified form of procrastination that involves the thrill of possibly getting caught at any moment. I totally pulled that out of my ass and it makes more sense than what Kate is saying. That's so bad.

You're not paying enough attention to him.
Oh, honey, look at me! Look at me! I made you a macaroni picture of Jesus! That didn't get her to put down the dishes, leave the kids to their homework and start giving me head? Darn, I guess I'll go down to the bar, drink myself silly, and take a complete stranger to a hotel. Sigh.

There's just not enough excitement. Guys just love variety.
This is beginning to remind me of the French and Saunders skit about the so-called television expert who just makes stuff up as she goes along, depending on the topic. Kate thinks that all men need a harem to be satisfied. Need I remind you that a woman is capable of far more orgasms in one day, but when we start fooling around, no one suggests the we need a hotel packed with sexy, exotic men trussed up in all sorts of bondage gear and... long... flowing hair... to be... satisfied... with little... boots...

I'm sorry, where were we? Right. Men crave variety and lots of sex. Women want macaroni and cheese and romance novels. We have absolutely no thoughts about crazy bondage hotels filled with men who have no problems getting naked with each other. No thoughts at all. Men are the ones with the imaginations and crazy sex drives, not women. Right.... vinyl boots...

Guys cheat primarily because they really love sex.
And I bet they rape because they really love sex, too. Wait, by leaving women out of this statement, it's implied that women don't really love sex, and hence are incapable of cheating, except for those oversexed slut whores mentioned above. They'll cheat on anything that moves! Poor boyfriends should be dating someone nicer and undersexed, like you. Oh wait, that interferes with our next tip...

There's not enough sex.
From what I hear, there can be too much. Remember Peg from married with children? It is possible for a woman to hump a man to death. I know this. You know this. Kate, she does not know this. And I always thought that women's number one complaint when a man started fooling around was that there was less sex than before. So obviously the woman has needs! I'm just saying, it's not about needs not being met. That undertone irked me in the Sex and the City movie. It was it's one faltering point.

Cuddle less, copulate more. In more poses. With more outfits. And maybe with another girl as a prop.
But, but I like cuddles! Obviously men don't need emotional closeness. They just need sex. Lots of it. Keep the sex coming, and they'll be happy forever, even when you want it more than they do. But, hey, society won't be understanding if you need a little external "help" to get your own needs met. You're a girl. Girls aren't supposed to like sex. It makes their makeup run.

If he's cheated before, he'll probably cheat again.
Okay, that is pretty solid advice. When a man cheats, there's really nothing he can do to repair that. It's like a dog that bites, even if it did it just once, it's a loose cannon that is not to be entirely trusted ever again. Studies show that people who cheat tend to be repeat offenders, and I've been told first hand that the first time is the hardest and after that, it gets easier to do.

But they cheat because they're addicted to sex.
Not because they're mentally messed up in any way. No, that's just how normal, healthy boys act! And don't be alarmed if he starts torturing baby ducks or burning anthills, either!

But you can forgive him if he was cheating on a self-absorbed bitch.
Because you would never expect him to put your career and happiness first. You're not a bitch.

If you think he had a valid reason for cheating and feel you can forgive him, sure! It could work out!
And monkeys could fly out of my butt. First of all, is there ever a valid reason for cheating? Secondly, can you ever forgive someone for betraying the trust you so openly gave them? Can you ever fully give them that trust again?


Mass media tries to push on us that if we aren't Perfect Women 100% of the time, with perfect hair, perfect bodies, perfect makeup, teeth, shoes, houses, kids, husbands, pets, vacume cleaners--the list goes on--then of course our pitiable, primative man-creature husbands and lovers will go crawling off to some other, far more perfect but much more evil, woman to get their rocks off because we have failed in our womanly duties. OMG, you couldn't juggle bringing home the bacon, cooking it, raising your kids and rubbing your slimy husband's feet while reciting "she sells seashells by the seashore" thirty times fast. Bitch, you deserve what you get! Hire a nanny and get back on that bed with your legs spread in some $100 negligee from one of our advertisers!

I love this guy's response to their video. It's surprising that a stuffed animal has so much wisdom:


I am severely disappointed at the naivety of Cosmo's editors. I'm so sad there are still women this in the dark.

Have some Dawn French sorbet:


Comments

[User Picture]
From:crowhen
Date:August 25th, 2008 04:42 pm (UTC)
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I had a friend exactly like this. She turned eighteen and was pregnant with his child. He went back to his wife.

I hate the world.
[User Picture]
From:crowhen
Date:August 25th, 2008 05:26 pm (UTC)
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It is not a word! The Grammar Nazi beats you!
[User Picture]
From:crowhen
Date:August 25th, 2008 05:33 pm (UTC)
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It is sneaked! "Snuck" was adopted by smarmy people in the media trying to sound more colloquial.
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From:savageknight
Date:August 25th, 2008 05:09 pm (UTC)
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"who else can pour salt on a girl's wounds and charge her for the service?"

What an excellent burn.
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From:violetjimjams
Date:August 25th, 2008 05:23 pm (UTC)
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That is the BEST stuffed animal EVER!

Actually, the guy I'm with NOW likes cuddling more than I do. I NEED MY SPACE! *gasping breaths*

I hate how this implies that women OMGABSOLUTELYHAVE to be with one single guy, and stay there FOREVAH! Or even that a relationship has to include sex. Haven't experienced that little slice of life yet, but doesn't make me some pure-headed innocent who never thinks about anything... impure (*waits for lightening to strike*).

Meanwhile, one of my better friends was cheating on her boyfriend with one of my other friends who I've known a little longer. Then she tells him she doesn't want to speak to him again, that he's lied to her and all this stuff. Know, this guy is hardly a prince (HUGE ego, and can be a dick at times), but I know he didn't do the things she accused him of. Not in the 2 days since I saw them last, especially. Meanwhile, he was miserable yesterday--near TEARS, which shocked me-- until I suggested we take an unrelated friend and abandon him in the desert. That cheered him up a little.

Conclusion: FUCK YOU, COSMO!
[User Picture]
From:chrysee
Date:August 25th, 2008 05:25 pm (UTC)
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Not that it's an excuse or justification or anything, but it does make more evolutionary sense in most animal species for the males to mate with as many females as possible. However, human babies are born really underdeveloped and defenseless (meaning like, they don't drop out and run around immediately like horses or something), so generally in those species the males are more likely to stick around.
[User Picture]
From:crowhen
Date:August 25th, 2008 05:29 pm (UTC)
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In parrots, females have similarly defenseless offspring and a "devoted mate" to help bring them up, a two parent household. There are cheating episodes on both counts, but if the girl cheats, the other boy parrots start helping her raise her chicks, bringing her food and stuff. It's in her best interests to have many lovers to ensure that all her babies grow up strong and healthy. I posit that it works the same way with humans. A woman with many suitors is usually more affluent than ones without. Hence, evolution is no reason to say men are naturally inclined to cheat and women aren't. That's simply not the case.
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From:chrysee
Date:August 25th, 2008 05:31 pm (UTC)
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Oh no no. I didn't mean to say men are more likely to cheat than women. Just some examples in nature where monogamy is generally not the best idea.
[User Picture]
From:crowhen
Date:August 25th, 2008 05:35 pm (UTC)
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And rarely is it. But, humans have the ability to examine their behavior and transcend it. I loathe it when people put forth the "but it's just human nature!" ruse.
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From:dianamcqueen
Date:August 25th, 2008 06:26 pm (UTC)
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gods me too. I've heard so many men say "but that's just how it is!" to me. and after I'm done vomiting, I yell, "Well, change it! You have the power!"
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From:count_01
Date:August 25th, 2008 05:29 pm (UTC)
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I bought your argument up to this point: Bitch, you deserve what you get! Hire a nanny and get back on that bed with your legs spread in some $100 negligee from one of our advertisers! but I think you're missing the mssage. It is this: Bitch, you deserve what you get! Hire a nanny who will join you for a threesome, and get back on the sex trapeze in some $300 negligee from one of our advertizers!
[User Picture]
From:crowhen
Date:August 25th, 2008 05:30 pm (UTC)
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I bow to you.
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From:tscheese
Date:August 25th, 2008 08:43 pm (UTC)
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Does Cosmo tell you how to do the Sexay Nanny position? Isn't that just reverse cowgirl except you put a donut on his wang first?

Sorry, I read too much Jezebel.
[User Picture]
From:dianamcqueen
Date:August 25th, 2008 06:04 pm (UTC)
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CERTAIN men cheat because of CERTAIN circumstances like they're embarrassed, afraid, assholes, selfish, unthinking, or maybe even dumb. There's also a million other reasons excuses MEN AND WOMEN cheat. You can't paint fuck-uped-ness with a broad gender brush.

AND this editor idiot prolly keeps falling for the same kinda immature run-around guy who either wants to play games, is afraid to communicate, or doesn't want to be tied to her. Either way, I think it's some self introspection that lady is needing, not lecturing young women on how to keep their men. ugh.

And I've been listening to the wisdom of stuffed animals my whole life.
They never lie to you <3
[User Picture]
From:violetjimjams
Date:August 25th, 2008 06:34 pm (UTC)
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True! They are manifestations of your own innate wisdom, telling you what deep down you already know.

Like the talking finger from the Shining.
[User Picture]
From:shininghalf
Date:August 25th, 2008 06:55 pm (UTC)
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Cuddle less, copulate more. In more poses. With more outfits. And maybe with another girl as a prop.

WAIWAIWAIT, another WHA as a WHA!?!?

See you're just not encouraging him to objectify and demean your sex enough, that's why he cheats. >_
[User Picture]
From:alexfiles
Date:August 25th, 2008 07:20 pm (UTC)
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What a delightful rant! I'm with you, this woman's advice isn't worth the bandwidth it takes to view the video.
[User Picture]
From:jinnayah
Date:August 25th, 2008 09:35 pm (UTC)
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Oooh, ooh, I have an idea. If we want to know why men cheat, why don't we ask some men? Maybe even men who have cheated, and now have enough time and distance that they understand why they did so and feel they can be honest about it.
Whoa.

I mean, I hate it when men tell me why women do things, especially when they're things I don't even do.
[User Picture]
From:crowhen
Date:August 25th, 2008 09:46 pm (UTC)
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This is a beautiful example of anti-male sexism.
[User Picture]
From:angry_geologist
Date:August 25th, 2008 10:20 pm (UTC)
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I am one thousand percent convinced that all of Cosmo's staff, writers, and editors are either males or virgins, and that there is substantial overlap in that category.
[User Picture]
From:madrona
Date:August 25th, 2008 10:38 pm (UTC)
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I don't know. I've never had a guy make *me* a macaroni picture of Jesus. That sounds pretty randomly awesome...
[User Picture]
From:crowhen
Date:August 25th, 2008 10:58 pm (UTC)
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I want a macaroni Jesus...
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From:goodkingnerdnor
Date:August 26th, 2008 01:20 am (UTC)
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I wonder if there are any trustworthy statistics showing that men do, in fact, cheat more than women.

Point of interest, my current girlfriend has a significantly higher/stronger/appropriate adjective libido than myself.
[User Picture]
From:silveradept
Date:August 26th, 2008 02:59 am (UTC)
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Bah! The Wisdom of Cosmo is folly.

It's not all about sex for men... or for women, for that matter. That said, remarkably, although we're making slow progress about it, nontraditional couplings like triads and more are starting to creep into everyone's life. Or more swingers - or those that don't really ever get to monogamy, but are still excellent partners, keep detailed histories, and make sure that their partners do know about their other partners.

No, it's not the woman's fault if a man cheats on her, any more than it is a man's fault that a woman cheats on him. But strangely, when the cheating happens, it's either because the woman is a slut, or isn't enough of a slut. Make up your minds, people. Then I can swing the Hammer of Doom to bust up your position.

In the ideal world, nobody would cheat because everybody would know their inclinations, whether toward monogamy, polyamory, or other things. And then they could meet like-minded people and have a grand time.
[User Picture]
From:kopfhorer
Date:August 27th, 2008 07:24 pm (UTC)
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!) Which is more dangerous, the so-called religious right or magazines like Cosmo (and Maxim)?. The former threaten to take this nation back to the Middle Ages, the latter have been keeping their readers' brains marinating in a sauce of misinformation, hype, & sexual stereotypes and advertising for many years.

2) I've never cheated on a partner. Not because I think that God's going to strike me dead if I do, I just think that infidelity sucks.

3) Cuddling is one of life's most highly-underrated pleasures!
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